Recent Conversation I Had

Recently, I was at a local Metro Park hiking with my kids.  Another hiker came along from the opposite direction with two small dogs.  My boys asked for permission to pet his dogs and he said yes, so they started petting them.  And then...

Perfect Stranger:  So, do you go to church around here?
Me:  No.
Perfect Stranger:  Aww, why don't you take these little guys to church?
Me:  Um... it's not our thing.
Perfect Stranger:  ...
Me (sensing that he was working on coming up with another persuasive statement):  No, thanks!

And we continued our separate ways down the path.  I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I have been stewing about this.  It really rubbed me the wrong way.  Let's examine that one little statement again.

Aww, why don't you take these little guys to church?

I know the guy meant well and he thought he was being friendly.  He thought he was doing what he was supposed to do by trying to share the message or bring someone new into his church or whatever.  From his perspective, it's like he has a great big plate of cookies, and he just wants to share them with everybody, right?  But asking me why I don't take my kids to church, implies that I should.  And if I'm not doing something that I should be doing, that implies that I'm failing in some way as a parent and should feel concerned or even... guilty about that, right?

No.  No, no, no, no, no.

First of all, these are pretty personal questions to be asking a complete stranger.  And last time I checked, implying that a total stranger is somehow parenting their children incorrectly is A) just plain rude, and B) not a good strategy to win someone over.  I would never have the audacity to walk up to someone, ask if they take their kids to church, and then ask "WHY?" if they replied "Yes".  That would be rude, correct?  So why is it socially acceptable for it to happen the other way around?  It shouldn't be.

I turned the conversation around in my head for a long time, wondering if I should have said something else or if I should have given him a piece of my mind, but I'm glad I didn't.  I'm sure that would have just given him fuel to take back to church with him, "Oh, I met this angry atheist in the park the other day [shudder]..."  No, I'm glad I gave him exactly as much of my time as he deserved.

I fully respect everyone's right to believe and live as they wish - even if I do not share those beliefs - and I would just like to receive the same consideration and respect.  I should be able to go for a walk in the woods with my kids without a stranger needlessly shoving his religion down my throat and rudely implying that I'm doing parenting wrong.  Making judgemental/opinionated statements about religion is not appropriate when engaging in small talk with random strangers whose belief systems you know nothing about.  There are millions of other things to talk about.  If you really cannot think of any other topic to discuss in a small talk situation, you need to work on your social skills.





/rant
Thanks, internet, I feel better now.

On the culture of fear in our society...

I just shared this on Facebook but wanted to share it here too.

Last week, I stopped home from the grocery to put some frozen food away before heading back out to visit my mother-in-law. I came out of the house 3 minutes later to find a strange woman parked in my driveway, yelling to me "ARE THESE KIDS OKAY? THEY'RE IN THIS CAR WITH THE WINDOWS UP!" First of all, yes they are fine, I ran in the house and came right back out. Second of all, they are both big enough to exit the car on their own if they get hot. Third of all, get the hell off my property! Okay, I didn't say the last one except in my head, but really? I spent the rest of that day wondering if I was going to receive a call from the authorities. I understand that people want to look out for the safety of children, but sometimes it gets a little out of control and crosses into nosy busybody territory.

Someone posted this article on FB this morning http://www.salon.com/2014/06/03/the_day_i_left_my_son_in_the_car/, and even though it's kind of long, it's a worthy read.  It shows how, not only do we have to live in constant fear of terrible things happening everywhere (according the media, anyway), now we have to be afraid of the people who are so afraid of bad things happening that they feel entitled to involve themselves and law enforcement into the lives of strangers over the most minute concerns.  And while I don't agree with what this mother did - I would never leave my 4 year old alone in a mall parking lot even if it was only for 5 minutes - but I don't think it's necessarily criminal.  It just pisses me off, what this mom had to go through.  The worst part is how her son now fears the police and is afraid to have her leave his side because he's afraid someone will kidnap him, since you know, there are kidnappers lurking EVERYWHERE.  Right?

For further reading, look up Lenore Skenazy (mentioned in the above article) and her blog Free Range Kids.  If you're not familiar with her, she's the mom who let her very capable 9-year-old son use the subway on his own and received outrage for it.  Her blog is a breath of (rational!) fresh air.

Dear North Carolina:

This video puts my feelings into words better than I could have done myself...  (disclaimer: bad words)

Playground Interaction Observations

I witnessed something at the park yesterday that really bothered me, and I can't seem to quit thinking about it.  We make a spur-of-the-moment trip to the playground, and it ended up being rather crowded because in our area, it's spring break for the public school kids.  (I forgot about this.)  There was a group of boys, probably around 8 to 10 years old, who were picking on a girl of about the same age.  Now, this beautiful little girl appeared to be of mixed race, and was the only child of color on the playground at the time - probably not an unusual situation for her, as the area is predominantly white.  At first, I noticed one boy who was yelling at her, "You're pretty!" and I thought - how sweet, he has a crush on her.  But as I watched, he just kept following her around and repeating it and his tone actually seemed more mocking than sincere.  A bit later, I noticed the boys chasing her around, and sometimes she would be chasing them.  I heard one boy call her dumb, and our friend P. who came with us, also heard one of them call her an idiot.  It was clear that it was upsetting to her.  I was only catching bits & pieces of the interaction because I was busy chasing my 2-year-old around the whole time.  I really began to feel compelled to say something, but I am shy and generally tend to avoid conflict, and wasn't sure what to say.  I know that I would probably not take kindly to strangers reprimanding my kids... but I didn't know where the parents of these boys were, either.  No one seemed to be paying attention to them.

That part, though, wasn't even the most upsetting thing.  What really bothered me, was an interaction between this girl and a woman who I presume must have been her (white) grandmother.  Grandma was sternly reprimanding the girl for her reaction to their taunting, and her chasing them around.  "STOP IT!  YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!  Stop chasing those boys!"  I heard the girl plaintively defending herself, saying "But they were [doing such-and-such] and calling me [list of names]..."  Grandma's tone was completely harsh and unsympathetic as she virtually spit these words at the girl, "Remember, sticks and stones will break your bones but names will never hurt you.  Come on, we're leaving."

I know that kids can be jerks.  I know how it works - they are just trying to fit in, in the Lord of the Flies-like setting of their public-schooled world, and I know kids have a tendency to single out those who are different.  But for an adult to be so cold and so completely lacking in empathy... I was speechless.  Perhaps her intent was to help the girl develop a thicker skin...?  Maybe she, too, was angry at those kids' behavior and didn't realize how she was coming across to her granddaughter.  But to reprimand a kid for reacting to being picked on seemed incredibly insensitive to me.  I am still kicking myself for not saying anything.  I wanted to say to the girl, "I heard those kids.  I heard how they were talking to you, and it wasn't right.  You don't deserve to be treated like that.  You're beautiful.  Ignore them."  I really wish I had said that, now.

Afterward, I did do one thing.  I asked Monkeyman and P. if they had noticed how those boys were talking to that girl.  Both said yes, and P. had even noticed more mean comments than I had.  I said to them, "I better never, never, ever, EVER hear you talking to a girl like that... or any other kid, for that matter."  And Monkeyman replied, "I know!  I wouldn't do that, Mom!"  We talked about it a little more and he confirmed that he knew that would hurt someone's feelings and that it was wrong.  So I guess I have to be content with taking ownership of raising my kids to be kind and thoughtful people as the best course of action.  I know I have no control over the behavior of others - however, I can try my very hardest to raise my kids to offer better examples.

Funny Stuff

For those who are easily offended - move along, nothing to see here...

This is a response to this post by Leanna from Life on the Hill, who wrote about holding back on posting on Facebook, all of the funny atheist stuff she comes across.  I often hold back posting things too, out of fear of offending anyone.  But this blog is where I get to share what I want, so here are a couple of my favorites for you, Leanna - enjoy!  :)

I've seen this passage all over the place, but this particular image came from a poster on Zazzle.com

From a t-shirt on Cafepress.com.  Want!

Not My Best Thanksgiving...

Well, I know it's too early for New Year's resolutions, but I'm making one anyway:  Develop a Thicker Skin.

Yesterday I had my first conversation ever about homeschooling with my dad, who I see maybe once or twice a year (Thanksgiving and/or Christmas) and the only contact we have outside of that is the occasional random comment on Facebook.  I would characterize our relationship as amicable but with a strong dose of disinterest on his part, which I have just come to accept.  Not at all surprisingly, he does not agree with our choice to homeschool our kids.  What did take me by surprise though, was the condescending and downright mean way he treated me when we discussed it.  We were at my Aunt's house, surrounded by my extended family - some of whom I barely know - and I felt very awkward and completely put on the spot.  I was already frazzled by the multiple comments of a couple elderly relatives who were complaining about un-disciplined children and how their mothers would have tanned their hides if they behaved that way, etc.  (Monkeyman and his cousin were playing and laughing and generally being 5-year olds, nothing outrageous, but I can understand how annoying the laughter of children can be when you are trying to celebrate a holiday...)  So I was ready to get outta there and was beginning the process of leaving when my dad says to Shane, "So I keep seeing Jenny make posts on Facebook about homeschooling... you guys aren't really gonna do that, are you?" and when Shane replied that yes, we were already doing it, he looked at me and asked, incredulously, "WHY would you want to do that?" Trying to keep it light, and hoping to avoid having the whole conversation just then, I laughingly said, "Because I was public schooled!"  To which he responded by launching into the standard "what about socialization/what about discipline/what about sports/they are gonna be screwed up/etc" conversation.  If you're a homeschooler you know the drill.  But it was the way he said these things that really hurt me.  As if I am just completely stupid and have no idea what I'm doing.  Every question was asked as if it were an accusation, not as an honest query by someone trying to understand a different idea or way of thinking.  And all of this open criticism of my parenting, in front of all of these people - coming from someone whose effort in parenting me was practically nil.  Also, my other (childless) aunt kept jumping into the conversation in agreement with him, in the same tone.  I felt like I did "just okay" in defending myself - I think I made a few strong points - but I know I was visibly flustered.  The final dig was when I gave up on the conversation, and I said, "Well, I have a blog where I write about all the stuff we do, if you're interested," and he just chuckled and said "No thanks!"  In other words, "I don't give enough of a shit about you or my grandchildren to learn any more about what's going on in your lives."  I responded, "Well, okay - just have an opinion but don't research or learn anything more about it then, that's fine," and that was the end of the conversation.

I was so hurt and angry I cried all the way home.  Which just pissed me off more because I let them get to me.  Which brings me back to my thicker skin resolution.  I'm shaking it off today and getting over it.  I know that people are going to be critical because we are making unconventional choices.  I know that and I'm okay with it.  It's just that you expect your own parents to have a little more respect for you, to give you the benefit of the doubt and try to see your perspective a little, and not treat you like a complete moron.  That part just really caught me off guard.

Happy Halloween!

 This is my mom.  She came over earlier this week to teach me Sewing 101 and help me make make a cloak for Monkeyman's Jedi costume.  

  While we were working, Monkeyman was pretty wound up ('Cause Grandma was here!) and I came up with a great way to keep him occupied.  When he picked up a pair of tweezers and asked me how they worked, I showed him how to hold them and had him pick up a crumb off the table... then I had a "lightbulb over my head" moment and quickly grabbed a handful of rice and a bowl, and told him to practice picking up the grains of rice and putting them into the bowl.  He was focused so intently on this that it kept him busy until we were finished!  I am definitely going to try letting him do this sometime when I am reading to him and see if it helps his attention span last longer.

 Ta-da!  Monkeyman is modeling his finished cape with the rest of his costume.

 And here are my boys about to go trick-or-treating!  It had rained all day but the sun came out right before T-or-T started, so we got to go after all.  Little Bug did a couple houses and was over it pretty quickly, but Monkeyman had a blast.

 

Adorable I am, yes?

One of my favorite things about Halloween is checking out all of the other creative costumes out there when we are Trick-or-Treating.  This year's best were:  the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man from Ghostbusters, a girl who was a basket of laundry, a group of kids who were three gorillas and a banana, and this little girl who was wearing the most beautiful handmade owl costume.  It was amazing.  

I do have one thing to vent about though.  May I just say that if my boys happened to be girls instead, they would absolutely NOT be allowed to wear slutty costumes, which seems to be the trend for the past few years now.  What is up with that?  I mean, self-expression is one thing, but why send the message that exposing maximum amounts of skin (in freezing October, no less!) is cool?  Girls - there's SO much more to you than that!  This is something I would most certainly put my foot down about - and it's not like I'm some kind of religious fundamentalist like the parents in Footloose - I'm not religious at all!  Yet an Uber-Catholic friend of mine posted a picture of his very young (6th or 7th grade?) daughter in a slutty skeleton costume.  Really?!?  I just find it completely baffling.  If you can think of it, there is a slutty version of it out there.  Last night we saw a slutty Freddy Krueger.  On an adult I would actually find that funny... but on a middle schooler?  Yeah, all that socialization is doing such great things for them.

Ok, rant's over.  Happy Halloween everyone!  I hope a fun and safe holiday is had by all!  :)

Dear religious parents who shun your Atheist children: you're doing it wrong.

My mom and I have had lots of discussions about religion and spirituality. She knows that I am an Atheist and why; we respect each others' points of view, and simply agree to disagree on the subject of God. She started a blog a while back but never writes on it, and I was teasing her about it the other day. She said that she just doesn't have anything to say (Which is a LIE! She always has lots to say and she's totally robbing the world by not posting it on her blog!) so I jokingly suggested she write about "the crushing disappointment of having an Atheist daughter" ...so she did. You can read what she wrote here. To any religious parents out there: THIS is how you are supposed to treat your non-religious children - as if they were, you know, people you actually love and respect. I have heard plenty of stories of people whose parents coldly shun/disown them, or conversely - launch a constant barrage of impassioned attempts to win them "back into the fold." These people cannot bear the horror of having their children rationally thinking for themselves, and are willing to put their passion for religion above their passion for their own children. Shame on them. (And shame on any religious group or authority that encourages that kind of behavior.) I mean, is that *really* what Jesus would do?

So I just wanted to say: Thanks, Mom!

Please excuse my previous post

Sorry to unload on you, blog people. I normally write more postive things here, I just needed to blow off some steam and vent. I know that most, if not all, moms have days like this, and the good days far outnumber the bad ones. I find that when I'm reading other blogs, the most compelling stuff is when people are honest and real, so that was me being real and showing you what my bad day looked like. I know there are many other people in this world who have waaaaaaaaay worse bad days than my bad days, and I'm grateful that my complaints really are quite minor. But most homeschooling blogs I've read paint a fairly sunshine-and-rainbows picture, but it's not always that rosy, every single day! Sometimes it can be pretty hard work too.

PS. Yesterday Emmett jammed a game into the Wii when there was already a game in there and ruined one of the games and broke the Wii. Today he immersed Max's brand new shoes in the dog's water dish. He is an adorable, moody, whirling tornado of destruction, alternating screaming tantrums with doing the most hilariously cute and funny things like dancing, saying new words, making funny faces, etc. When I was changing his diaper this morning, he cheerfully exclaimed "Bye Poopie!" which he's never said before, which made me laugh so hard. So, even on a bad day there are good moments too. And now I'm done venting, I swear!

*Insert primal scream here*

Today I am having a pull-my-hair-out, bang-my-head-against-the-wall, frustrating day. Emmett seems to be at the peak of the "terrible twos" even though he hasn't even turned two yet. He has perfected his crib exiting skills, and has therefore been refusing to sleep. Last night it took almost an hour to get the boy, who normally falls asleep in 3 minutes, to bed. And today I am sleep deprived because every time he stirred last night, I laid awake listening for him to climb out. He woke up and climbed out at 6am (he normally sleeps until 9-ish) and when he saw my haggard face, I swear he did a little victory dance. At naptime today, I could tell he was exhausted - he could barely keep his eyes open and he was literally staggering around. But every time I put him in his crib, nearly asleep, he would instantly pop up to his feet and climb out, giggling and squealing. I spent a solid hour waiting in the hallway and then repeatedly, calmly, putting him back in the crib every time he climbed out, over and over and over. I tried rubbing his back. I tried laying on the floor beside the crib. Nothing worked. Finally I reached the end of my patience and gave up. Which of course just teaches him that if he's persistent, he will win. Great job, me. I've decided I MUST go get a baby gate for his doorway, so that he will at least be confined to his room and not be able to fall down the stairs and/or wander the house getting into mischief in the middle of the night. I won't be able to sleep until I can secure him. (Unfortunately there is no door on the bedroom, so I can't just shut him in.) I got the kids ready and we headed out... and he fell asleep partway to the store. I turned around and came home, and left him out there in the van (parked in the shade with all windows down of course), and he took about a 30 minute nap strapped in his seat. Whatever works, right? I keep reminding myself of the parenting mantra - This Too Shall Pass - but today feels like it's been about a month long already. Looking forward to this phase being done.

Edit: I forgot to mention that, on top of all that, my 5 year old is in this wonderful defiant/argumentative/mouthy phase and he's been in rare form today too. So I'm experiencing synchronized parental-limit-testing. Seriously, how on Earth do people have "quiverfuls" of kids? Cuz today I can barely handle 2!

ACKKKKK! Quick rant...

I was just watching one of those cheesy crime dramas - I'm generally not a fan of them, but I somehow got sucked into this one. Anyway, the serial killer in this show turned out to be a homeschooled teenage boy. The investigator says to the killer's mother in a voice dripping with shock and contempt, "Mrs. So-and-so, do you KNOW what social isolation can DO to a child?" I was still sitting there with my mouth dropped open about a full minute later, well into the commercial break. There really aren't words to express my indignation... just, frickin WOW.

From the "Experts"...

I have to vent about this before my head explodes. I just watched the following clip from PBS's "Need to Know" series, entitled "Big Thinkers on How to Fix American Education". You can watch it here:

Watch the full episode. See more Need To Know.

Or, if you like, I'll give you a summary of what I heard. Basically, each "expert" thought that the problems with the education system can be resolved by focusing in their own particular fields. The head of the American Museum of Natural History thinks we need to focus on science. The President of the New Teacher Project and the head of the National Education Association (Teacher's Union) both think we need to focus on teachers, the former on teacher evaluations and the latter on recruiting, training, and hiring practices. The head of the Asia Society thinks we need to "partner with Asia" and focus on "cultural literacy". Do you see a pattern here? None of them had any specific, concrete suggestions, just vague generalities. The most baffling comments were from a professor at Stanford University. She says that states that have been successful have "forged a consensus... set a path... and kept it going." What does that even mean?!?

While I did agree with a few bits and pieces of what these people said, I really didn't see any evidence of "Big Thinking" going on here. Everyone considered the problem in terms of their own focus areas and didn't go any further beyond. I didn't hear any talk of HOW TO ACTUALLY HELP CHILDREN LEARN. The only person who almost touched on this was the representative from Kids Count, an organization for disadvantaged kids. She thinks we need to focus on birth through age 5, and prepare kids better before they start school. While I agree with that statement, I strongly disagree with her assertion that educating kids is a "pocketbook driven" thing, and that people with more money prepare their kids better. I assert that people who care about learning prepare their kids better, regardless of income levels. My pocketbook is pretty darn tight, and I am doing a fine job of teaching my kids, thank you very much. SO many parents nowadays just wash their hands of any responsibility for facilitating learning in their kids and just expect the school system to do everything for them. THAT is the problem, and dumping more money into the school system won't do a darn thing to change it.

In my opinion, the flaws within the system lie in the rigid institutionality of it. There is no flexibility to adapt to different learning styles, skill levels, or interests. Teachers have zero flexibility on what they teach or how they present it. You will learn what everyone else your age is learning, in the same order, by the same method, at the same time. Period. I think that school, for many kids, is simply tolerable, tedious, or outright tortuous. I would love to see some real experts address that.

Rough day

After reading two fellow moms' accounts of having particularly challenging days with their kids, I feel compelled to share my own. Yesterday was a rough day. I don't know exactly why... it probably has something to do with being stuck inside for days on end due to our lovely Ohio winter weather - I think we are all getting a little cabin fever-y. Emmett (15 months) has been particularly fussy for the past couple of days, and I don't know what is bugging him and he doesn't know how to tell me yet. Usually I'm pretty good at figuring it out but sometimes I get stumped. Is he teething? Hungry for something specific that I haven't thought of? Is his dry skin itching him? Does he want picked up? (nope). Does he want put down? (nope). When I can't figure it out, he does this whine/cry/shriek thing that just digs into my brain.

And Max (almost 5), well, he's like a Labrador forced to live in a tiny apartment in a big city. He needs to go outside and RUN! But we haven't been able to play outside much in the past week, so his energy overwhelmed both him and I, and he was bouncing off the walls, climbing on me, begging me to play Wii, and incessantly screeching for no particular reason. (I call him my "recreational" screamer.)

On top of all that, I was trying to straighten up the house because we had family coming over that evening, and then I got an important phone call from my Usborne supervisor about a book fair we are doing next week. The kids were going nuts the whole time I was on the phone. It's like they have a sixth sense about which calls I most want to be uninterrupted for... and they go berserk. In hindsight, what I should have done was excused myself and called her back after dealing with them and finding something to keep them occupied. I finally ended up going outside and standing in the snow so I could get 5 minutes' peace to finish my conversation. When I came back inside I was seething. I tried to explain to Max that he needs to listen to me when I tell him not to interrupt. I intended to do this calmly, but instead found myself yelling. My default reaction to anger and frustration is to cry, so that's what I did next.

And then a funny thing happened. Both kids calmed down, came over and cuddled close to me, to comfort me. I am amazed that Emmett, my little baby, already has this sense of empathy in him. He kept hugging me, and pulling back to look at my face, and then hugging me again. We all stayed that way for a while, until the tension was diffused.

I felt awful for losing my patience with them and for getting so angry. Every now and then, these days just happen. I know that. But I am still disappointed in myself when I have one of them. I try to remind myself that - today is over, and it's behind me. Hopefully I learned something from it, so that tomorrow I can do better.