The Birds and the Bees, or My Kid Says Hilarious Stuff

I must record a few recent conversations for posterity.  One night last week, we were having one of our bedtime chats, when Monkey said, "I'm never going to have kids."  I was surprised to hear this, because he LOVES babies and little kids.  I said, "Really?  You don't want to be a Dad?" to which he responded, totally matter-of-factly, "Well, I have no idea how to breed!"  (He is thinking in terms of "breeding" because he's been playing a game called Dragon City where you collect dragons and breed them to make new dragons.)  I couldn't help laughing, and I told him not to worry, that he'd figure it out eventually.  I then reminded him that we've read It's Not the Stork! about where babies come from, and promised to re-read it with him soon.  At some point in the discussion, he said to me, "If you and Dad are gonna breed, make sure to tell me.  'Cause I might wake up in the night and... [grimace]" (which would seem to indicate that he understood at least a *little* about breeding).

Seriously, this book is fantastic.  It's a must-have for every household.

Fast-forward to this week.  We re-read It's Not the Stork.  Twice.  This was also Bug's first encounter with the book.  Both kids found it fascinating and kept interrupting to ask questions.  Both were especially fascinated by the umbilical cord and Monkey asked, "Wait.  If the cord gets cut when a baby is born, how can more babies be born later?"  (A good question, I thought.)  So I explained about placentas and how each kid gets a new one.  Overall, a fun and interesting read that prompted good discussion with no awkwardness or discomfort at all.  Next we moved on to read "You Are Stardust" which Monkey particularly enjoyed.

You Are Stardust, by Elin Kelsey

This prompted both boys to start reciting that every item in the room was made of stardust - "This pillow is made of stardust!" [giggles] "My elbow is made of stardust!" [giggles] "My toes are made of stardust!" [giggles]  "My penis is made of stardust!"  [huge giggles] and then Monkey looks at me and, mentally searching for the newly-learned word "vulva" and forgetting it, he exclaimed, "Your vagina-butt is made of stardust!"  I knew right away what he meant and we all dissolved in a fit of giggles.  I kept chuckling about that for the rest of the night.  So, ladies, if you need a mental picker-upper, just think about how your vagina-butt is made of stardust.  I dare you not to smile at that thought.

Birth story, as told to a nearly-six-year-old

So a friend posted this link on FB yesterday:
http://creativewithkids.com/100-ways-to-be-kind-to-your-child/

It's a beautiful, beautiful post and I printed out the list and taped it to the side of my desk as a reminder to stay focused on the simplest yet most important things.  Tonight at bedtime, inspired by the list, I did #11:  Tell them the story of their birth.

Monkeyman's birthday is coming up very soon, and we have been counting down the days and talking about it a lot.  Tonight we curled up together, alone (Little Bug was already in bed asleep and Daddy was out tinkering in the garage), and I started telling him the story.

Once upon a time, there was a guy and a girl.  They liked each other a lot and decided to get married and live by the ocean for awhile.  Then they missed their families and decided to move back to Ohio.  They bought a house and decided they wanted to have a baby.  So Jenny got pregnant with a baby in her belly

Bedtime chats are the greatest

We always have the most interesting whispered talks at bedtime. Last night's made me smile.

Max: Do you remember when I came out of your belly?
Me: Yes.
Max: I don't remember when I came out of your belly.
Me: It was my favorite day ever.
Max: When was it?
Me: February 27.
Max: Ohhh! *gears in head click* (he knows that's his birthday)
Max: Was it dark out?
Me: No. It was the middle of the afternoon. It was wintertime, but it was an unusually warm day and the sun was shining and there was a beautiful blue sky with white puffy clouds.
Max: Where were we?
Me: At the hospital.
Max: First you were a little baby, then you grew up, then I was in your belly.
Me: Yep, that's right.
Max: And Dad was before you. So I think you came out of Dad's belly.
Me: *stifling laughter* Ah, no. Babies only come out of girls' bellies. Babies don't come out of boys' bellies.
Max: Oh. Then where did you come from?
Me: I came from Grandma's belly.
Max: You mean your mom?
Me: Yes. And Daddy came from Gommy's belly.
Max: Ohhhhhh!
(I am a little relieved that it hasn't yet occurred to him to ask how we all got in the bellies to begin with. I'm sure it won't be long though...)

And tonight as I was putting him in bed: "I like Daddy better. And I like you super better. And I like Grandma super better. And I like everybody a whole lot."